So, remember all those sad, sappy dirges of messages I last wrote up?
No, you say? It's been too long for you to remember? You have a life, you say? Who has time to read all the little whimsical thoughts that pass through my head?
Good.
I am writing this to announce to THE WORLD (er, well, my small readership that's mostly on facebook) that I have reclaimed myself! I am a whole person! I took a cold, HARD look at myself with the right microscope and saw flaws I was only peripherally aware of before, that were blurry and out of focus.
I had some help learning to turn the dials on the microscope properly. And, viola! I can now see where to direct the tweezers and remove the little pieces of junk that don't serve me or my friends, family or acquaintances well.
And you know what else I can see? My value!
*Blows a kiss to you all*
I love you!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Motherhood
Motherhood
Motherhood is seen as such a natural part of life. I mean, what could be more natural than observing and caring for your progeny – little pieces of you; so precious and cute. So, why don't I see it that way?
Motherhood does not come naturally to me. I don't even like the subject. It makes me feel guilty when I see mothers who seem to live for their children. Sometimes I wonder, What's wrong with me? Do I need more time to myself than the average mother, or are we all in the same boat? How can I shift my focus effectively without neglecting my responsibilities or burning myself out?
It is these questions that have led me to investigate the experiences of my peers and their opinions of motherhood. I want to know how much satisfaction individuals feel, what brings them said satisfaction, how they cope with boredom in their role as mother (if they experience it to the extent that I do), how they keep motivated to perform the tasks of life day after day, etc.
Since escaping my own motherhood is not an option, I recognize some interaction with other mothers combined with the mental stimulation of analyzing the data I collect will not only help me gain perspective but it will fill a need I have to be engaged on a level beyond that which can be reached by perpetually cleaning up messes that others have made and listening to whiny voices.
Do I think such a project hasn't been done before? No. I know that it has. But, somehow, reading about strangers and their struggles just isn't as satisfying as connecting with those I actually know or that I've at least met. Maybe you agree. Perhaps I'll entertain or encourage others in the process. Even better.
Let the research begin! Please contact me so I can send you my questionnaire. Thank you!
Motherhood is seen as such a natural part of life. I mean, what could be more natural than observing and caring for your progeny – little pieces of you; so precious and cute. So, why don't I see it that way?
Motherhood does not come naturally to me. I don't even like the subject. It makes me feel guilty when I see mothers who seem to live for their children. Sometimes I wonder, What's wrong with me? Do I need more time to myself than the average mother, or are we all in the same boat? How can I shift my focus effectively without neglecting my responsibilities or burning myself out?
It is these questions that have led me to investigate the experiences of my peers and their opinions of motherhood. I want to know how much satisfaction individuals feel, what brings them said satisfaction, how they cope with boredom in their role as mother (if they experience it to the extent that I do), how they keep motivated to perform the tasks of life day after day, etc.
Since escaping my own motherhood is not an option, I recognize some interaction with other mothers combined with the mental stimulation of analyzing the data I collect will not only help me gain perspective but it will fill a need I have to be engaged on a level beyond that which can be reached by perpetually cleaning up messes that others have made and listening to whiny voices.
Do I think such a project hasn't been done before? No. I know that it has. But, somehow, reading about strangers and their struggles just isn't as satisfying as connecting with those I actually know or that I've at least met. Maybe you agree. Perhaps I'll entertain or encourage others in the process. Even better.
Let the research begin! Please contact me so I can send you my questionnaire. Thank you!
Monday, May 30, 2011
Lightning Shower
The pregnant air
Pierced by searing light
The broken waters
Of the night
Pounding beats
Rock the still
Pelting coolness
Passion fills
Lend me your passion
Thunder storm
For this, the 8th,
Is in new form
Powerful lover
Join me here
We break the mould
And douse the fear
Walk forward now
Press in close
For up 'til now
I’ve been comatose
Wake me to you
Wake you to me
Rejoin the thoughts
Let the passion free
We’re drenched with nature’s
Cleansing shower
The beauty of our
Three-fold tower
Re-knit the kinship
Of you and me
Happy Anniversary
Pierced by searing light
The broken waters
Of the night
Pounding beats
Rock the still
Pelting coolness
Passion fills
Lend me your passion
Thunder storm
For this, the 8th,
Is in new form
Powerful lover
Join me here
We break the mould
And douse the fear
Walk forward now
Press in close
For up 'til now
I’ve been comatose
Wake me to you
Wake you to me
Rejoin the thoughts
Let the passion free
We’re drenched with nature’s
Cleansing shower
The beauty of our
Three-fold tower
Re-knit the kinship
Of you and me
Happy Anniversary
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Self-Care, Self-Esteem and Action
My life is a vicious cycle.
I have stopped to reflect on myself at different points in my life...It might be more accurate to say I never stop...
One of the things I keep coming back to is that I can never just learn something once and then keep it up! I seem to have to learn something and then relearn it and then relearn it again. Hence the need for constant reminders, even when you already know something well.
Over the course of my "adult" life I've taken a look at my self-esteem to make sure it was intact and balanced; neither too inflated, nor too squashed. Recently I discovered that my self-esteem mental software was allowed to become outdated. I have been too preoccupied and distracted with other priorities (big, important ones) to have the time to make the inspection and update the software of my mind. So I have operated poorly, living under the inaccurate assumption that my self-esteem was still in the healthy range. This led to faulty decision-making and reactions to things from a very low place which created bigger problems than I was even aware of.
Thankfully, this kind of thing can be avoided. Even in the midst of chaos and great, seemingly insurmountable obstacles, when I make myself take the time to perform self-care, I am not only in a much better position to help others. I actually have the capacity for clarity. And, from a seat of clear thinking, I can perform the actions of life. Without it, I become literally frozen, unable to break myself from circular, self-destructive thoughts.
Perhaps the types of self-care that do the trick are different for everyone. For me, however, it can be as simple as shaving my legs, eating a healthful meal or allowing myself to pour my heart out to someone regardless of the possible embarrassment.
There is definitely a difference between healthy self-care and unhealthy self-indulgence.
But that's another life lesson...and another blog post.
I have stopped to reflect on myself at different points in my life...It might be more accurate to say I never stop...
One of the things I keep coming back to is that I can never just learn something once and then keep it up! I seem to have to learn something and then relearn it and then relearn it again. Hence the need for constant reminders, even when you already know something well.
Over the course of my "adult" life I've taken a look at my self-esteem to make sure it was intact and balanced; neither too inflated, nor too squashed. Recently I discovered that my self-esteem mental software was allowed to become outdated. I have been too preoccupied and distracted with other priorities (big, important ones) to have the time to make the inspection and update the software of my mind. So I have operated poorly, living under the inaccurate assumption that my self-esteem was still in the healthy range. This led to faulty decision-making and reactions to things from a very low place which created bigger problems than I was even aware of.
Thankfully, this kind of thing can be avoided. Even in the midst of chaos and great, seemingly insurmountable obstacles, when I make myself take the time to perform self-care, I am not only in a much better position to help others. I actually have the capacity for clarity. And, from a seat of clear thinking, I can perform the actions of life. Without it, I become literally frozen, unable to break myself from circular, self-destructive thoughts.
Perhaps the types of self-care that do the trick are different for everyone. For me, however, it can be as simple as shaving my legs, eating a healthful meal or allowing myself to pour my heart out to someone regardless of the possible embarrassment.
There is definitely a difference between healthy self-care and unhealthy self-indulgence.
But that's another life lesson...and another blog post.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
The Breath that Fans the Flames
Creativity Comes from a Positive Place – Dirges are only the Fuel
Dirges and sadness, rebukes and defeat, crashing and burning, loss and longing... are all the most volatile fuel for my creation. Yet, one sided-creation is extreme and lacks dimension. The most creative moments come from a seat of joy while holding the hurts of the past clearly in my memory. Without the positive seat, there is little motivation to complete the work that it may shine as a piece of art. Negative experiences are the fuel. Positivity is the spark. Creativity is the flame. Without a spark there can be no flame. If ever there were a driving force to swim back to the surface of my pain for a breath before death overtakes my heart, it is this. Quite a strong propulsion if I do say so myself.
Dirges and sadness, rebukes and defeat, crashing and burning, loss and longing... are all the most volatile fuel for my creation. Yet, one sided-creation is extreme and lacks dimension. The most creative moments come from a seat of joy while holding the hurts of the past clearly in my memory. Without the positive seat, there is little motivation to complete the work that it may shine as a piece of art. Negative experiences are the fuel. Positivity is the spark. Creativity is the flame. Without a spark there can be no flame. If ever there were a driving force to swim back to the surface of my pain for a breath before death overtakes my heart, it is this. Quite a strong propulsion if I do say so myself.
Hindsight - Why I Was Successful
Hindsight – Why I Was Successful
This, my most recent physical achievement, brings with it the biggest sense of accomplishment of any in the past. Though I have lost weight before, somehow the struggles surrounding my current success run deeper, in addition to the amount of weight lost being greater than any before it. For this reason, my thoughts keep coming back to it, pondering the implications. I may as well use what inspiration I have. Perhaps expressing it can help someone else, or help me to succeed again in the future, if ever I am confronted with that need again. And, if not, at least it’s cathartic.
In the Beginning
When I first got started with exercising, I wasn’t yet ready to change my diet. So I started with what I felt I was able to start with. My blood sugar was fluctuating so wildly that I was constantly ravenous. To deny myself what I wanted seemed like the worst kind of torture and left me useless to my family because of the crashes. So, starting with exercising was really the best thing for me to do. It helped balance my blood sugar, which decreased the intensity of the cravings. Herein lies the necessity of exercise combined with diet changes when trying to lose weight. Exercising, by itself, does not lead to weight loss; not really. Reducing caloric intake does. But caloric restriction is made easier by exercise.
Baby Steps
Next, I changed my diet bit by bit, not all at once. First, I reduced the indulgences, especially at night. It was easier to “deny” myself these things because the exercising replaced it as self-love and I also felt that what work I was accomplishing by exercising would be undone by overindulging. Next, I traded out simple sugars for whole grains/foods. This reduced cravings further, making it easier to incrementally reduce caloric intake. Exercising regularly also afforded me the freedom to eat more than I could have gotten away with eating if I wasn’t exercising since I was burning so many calories each week.
Bumps are OK
Each time I experienced a setback in my exercise routine, I actually found that I lost more weight on the scale than when I was exercising regularly. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m exercising regularly, my body looks much better than when I am not and there is certainly shrinking happening as I build muscle in place of fat. However, with my food intake now kind of naturally in check (I don’t even think about it anymore), when I have stopped exercising, the weight loss is all “loss.” So the scale readings are more exciting. My point? Don’t freak out on yourself if you have some minor setbacks. Just get back on track as soon as you can and enjoy what each step brings you. Also, I’m gonna have to research it a bit so I understand it better, but another experience I have had on this journey has been rather interesting. Occasionally, here or there on my return road to thinness (lol), I have had what feel like intense cravings. I have given in to them, sure that I would pay for it. After a couple days of what has felt like complete overindulgence, I found I had actually lost more weight. So, who knows what that’s all about. Just don’t beat yourself up! Keep positive, keep moving forward! Love life! You can do it! You are doing it! I love you!
This, my most recent physical achievement, brings with it the biggest sense of accomplishment of any in the past. Though I have lost weight before, somehow the struggles surrounding my current success run deeper, in addition to the amount of weight lost being greater than any before it. For this reason, my thoughts keep coming back to it, pondering the implications. I may as well use what inspiration I have. Perhaps expressing it can help someone else, or help me to succeed again in the future, if ever I am confronted with that need again. And, if not, at least it’s cathartic.
In the Beginning
When I first got started with exercising, I wasn’t yet ready to change my diet. So I started with what I felt I was able to start with. My blood sugar was fluctuating so wildly that I was constantly ravenous. To deny myself what I wanted seemed like the worst kind of torture and left me useless to my family because of the crashes. So, starting with exercising was really the best thing for me to do. It helped balance my blood sugar, which decreased the intensity of the cravings. Herein lies the necessity of exercise combined with diet changes when trying to lose weight. Exercising, by itself, does not lead to weight loss; not really. Reducing caloric intake does. But caloric restriction is made easier by exercise.
Baby Steps
Next, I changed my diet bit by bit, not all at once. First, I reduced the indulgences, especially at night. It was easier to “deny” myself these things because the exercising replaced it as self-love and I also felt that what work I was accomplishing by exercising would be undone by overindulging. Next, I traded out simple sugars for whole grains/foods. This reduced cravings further, making it easier to incrementally reduce caloric intake. Exercising regularly also afforded me the freedom to eat more than I could have gotten away with eating if I wasn’t exercising since I was burning so many calories each week.
Bumps are OK
Each time I experienced a setback in my exercise routine, I actually found that I lost more weight on the scale than when I was exercising regularly. Don’t get me wrong, when I’m exercising regularly, my body looks much better than when I am not and there is certainly shrinking happening as I build muscle in place of fat. However, with my food intake now kind of naturally in check (I don’t even think about it anymore), when I have stopped exercising, the weight loss is all “loss.” So the scale readings are more exciting. My point? Don’t freak out on yourself if you have some minor setbacks. Just get back on track as soon as you can and enjoy what each step brings you. Also, I’m gonna have to research it a bit so I understand it better, but another experience I have had on this journey has been rather interesting. Occasionally, here or there on my return road to thinness (lol), I have had what feel like intense cravings. I have given in to them, sure that I would pay for it. After a couple days of what has felt like complete overindulgence, I found I had actually lost more weight. So, who knows what that’s all about. Just don’t beat yourself up! Keep positive, keep moving forward! Love life! You can do it! You are doing it! I love you!
The Romance of the Rutabaga
The children sit around an ancient, rickety table on matching, backless wooden benches waiting eagerly to fill the pits in their stomachs with something warm. They wear dirty, tattered clothing and expressions of eager anticipation. Mama ladles broth into bowls for each of them from the blackened pot hanging above a fire in the corner of their one-room home. The four walls barely insulate from the cold outside. The broth is made hearty by a softened, orange fleshed root vegetable; the rutabaga. This is the kind of imagery I get every time I see rutabagas at the grocery store. It’s a romantic notion of the past, and one that I experience when I cook them. Their stinky aroma, slightly bitter, earthy taste and odd texture add to the experience. I love rutabagas. Lol.
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