Wow, It's Been a While

Well, my brain kept me awake thinking about this composition.  So hopefully, despite the fact that it's almost 2am, I can do this thing some justice.

I've had moments of clarity, blips of inspiration, bouts of anger and sadness.  Today I was particularly cranky.  I went to the store and noticed some bottled smoothies and functional fruit juices which reminded me of going to the convention with my dad that last time.  Initially, I was attracted to them.  Then, as I tried to sort through the selection, I started becoming overcome with sadness.  Hopefully I'll be able to enjoy them again.

I've avoided writing some of the things I'm processing through because hind sight is better and I'm hoping to sort through all that's before me and understand it better before I share it.  I'm afraid of corroding the dignity of myself or my father and then looking back and regretting having had no self control.  I want to share and I'm also afraid that not everyone will understand that my process is just that...a process...moment by moment, day by day, ever-evolving, non committal dirges and purging.  What exists in one moment doesn't necessarily define the next.

I suppose I'll just have to compose some things privately and decide later whether or not to publicize them.  If it were just about me, I would throw caution to the wind.  But it's not just about me.  

Other fears holding me back are that I might concentrate too heavily on this one subject and sour the pallet of people who might otherwise enjoy my rambling.  We wouldn't want that, now would we?  ha ha!

I can't seem to resist.  I don't know that I'd be able to sleep tonight without putting this out there.  

In some ways, I shared with one friend, I feel like a true adult for the first time.  The person (character) in my head, who was inspired by my actual father, that made me feel small and unacceptable is quieter now.  But, since that character isn't really my father and never was - they're really a judgmental piece of myself that wants to put me down - I don't know if this feeling of "freedom" will last.  I feel free to write, empowered to give my time and effort to this endeavor, in a new way.  I don't feel held back by the fear of moral judgment.

In a related way, I feel more ownership over my own spirituality than I have before.  I think somewhere in the back of my head, subconsciously perhaps, I always gave a piece of my sense of responsibility for my own spiritual life to my father.  I don't even know if that makes sense.  I'll have to tweak this a bit in the morning when my brain is more fresh so that it does.

OK.  Maybe I can sleep now...

I Think Ear Plugs are a Gift from God

I have a need to disconnect, to unplug, so to speak.
'Cause, sometimes, children's voices shriek louder, and then peak.
And when that happens on top of ev'rything else around,
That need expands triple fold...I need not expound.
Those little orange spongy things, that I stick in my ears
Bring relief 'cause running out is just not an option, I fear.
So, thank you God for my little ear plugs.  It's no joke.
And I suggest you try it too!  Lighten up that yoke!

The Sparkling Gemstone of My Life

I sit and ponder life in the comfort of a familiar place, with sleeping child at my side and the sounds of the outside gently bouncing off the walls of my tranquil chamber.  It is without question the first time the word tranquility has crossed my mind in many weeks, if not months.  My heart is quiet within my chest, back to its whispering hum, a comfortable volume of emotion.  As my thoughts drift softly about, flitting from subject to subject like a tiny insect on a spring day among the flowers of the field, I am reminded of my many special friendships.  Each one is unique and vibrant in it's own way.  Varying circumstances cast the light of perspective from different angles making one shine while others appear dull.  One's emotional needs for different kinds of support remain essentially the same from day to day, but in different amounts.  It seems my biggest need at the moment is that of validation.  I feel that I am surrounded by faces shining validation at me from all around.  The light warms my body, glistening like the serene reflection of sunlight off the surface of a pool of water.  I love and am loved.  I like and am liked.  I am.  And it is good.  Even the sadness is good.  It is good because it celebrates the life of someone good.  I cherish.  I breathe.  Life...what a gift.

I allow myself my anger without judgment.

Project Make it to Dad's Memorial

I realize there are far harder situations out there and money is tight for everyone.  So please do not feel the least bit obligated.  However, I've had people offer help and support.  Now I know what I actually need.  I want more than anything to be able to have my whole family present at my dad's memorial.  If you can spare $5 toward our family's plane tickets, I've set up this paypal donation account for that purpose.  I have an amount in mind for the tickets.  If we reach it, I will take down the button.

Thank you all for your love and support regardless of whether you help out with funds.  We'll get there one way or another and it will be worth it no matter what.

Sincerely,

Christina Kelly

For those of you reading this on facebook, you can access the donation button by clicking on the "View Original Post" link above the comments.

Thank you thank you thank you!

Who You Are

It's uncertain whether he will ever be conscious enough again in this system to take in what I've written for him, but this is for my dad:

I am so proud that you're my dad
And that I've always been

You lend an ear, you lend a heart
Strong empathy within

Your talents do proliferate
Artful hands and mouth have you

But I love you for who you are
And not what you can do

Jehovah is my Rock you said
And this you've taught me well

They're words worth more than thousands more
Than all that you could sell

Among my fav'rite memories
Of spending time with you

Are times of quiet reverie
With Jah's good gifts in view

Be they gifts of spectacle
Or gifts of words or men

To contemplate His majesty
Returns peace to my heart again

I enjoy hearing you speak
Of that within your heart

It matters not if those words
Are sweet or if they're tart

For who you are is what I love
It's who you'll always be

And who that is will certainly
Spend eternity with me

Where is the Pain?

It may sound like an odd question.  After all, who in their right mind seeks pain?  Maybe that's true, but, whatever it says about me, I honestly do.  Pain makes things clear to me.  I get claustrophobic when things look murky.  Now, before my phone starts ringing off the hook because people think I'm talking about hurting myself, let me make myself clear.  I am not talking about physical pain or physical damage at all.  That I avoid like the plague.  Those of you who know me very well know I rarely speak of the physical anyway.

So what pain do I seek?  I seek the pain involved with trying circumstances, the "normal" human reaction to said circumstances.  My usual reaction is to shut down, crumble and, well...blubber.  Then there's the always interesting feeling of numbness, which makes me aware of the pain beneath it.

There are a couple possible explanations for this lack of seemingly appropriate pain.  I've considered that my faith could be assuring me that the eventual future is bright and that anything that happens in this life is reversible.  However, I'm unaware of that being the case right now.  Normally I would instinctively and consciously know that that was the case.  No, the more likely reason probably has something to do with distraction.  There are so many elements to my life, shadows, nuances of emotional connection, literal hormone changes fluctuating.  I've been chucking it up to that for many, many months.  I don't usually last this long without an all out meltdown.

I can't access my meltdown.  I'm starting to wonder if it even resides in me waiting to be experienced.  Have I evolved to a point where that is no longer my go-to coping mechanism?  Wouldn't that be interesting to explore...