Wow, It's Been a While

Well, my brain kept me awake thinking about this composition.  So hopefully, despite the fact that it's almost 2am, I can do this thing some justice.

I've had moments of clarity, blips of inspiration, bouts of anger and sadness.  Today I was particularly cranky.  I went to the store and noticed some bottled smoothies and functional fruit juices which reminded me of going to the convention with my dad that last time.  Initially, I was attracted to them.  Then, as I tried to sort through the selection, I started becoming overcome with sadness.  Hopefully I'll be able to enjoy them again.

I've avoided writing some of the things I'm processing through because hind sight is better and I'm hoping to sort through all that's before me and understand it better before I share it.  I'm afraid of corroding the dignity of myself or my father and then looking back and regretting having had no self control.  I want to share and I'm also afraid that not everyone will understand that my process is just that...a process...moment by moment, day by day, ever-evolving, non committal dirges and purging.  What exists in one moment doesn't necessarily define the next.

I suppose I'll just have to compose some things privately and decide later whether or not to publicize them.  If it were just about me, I would throw caution to the wind.  But it's not just about me.  

Other fears holding me back are that I might concentrate too heavily on this one subject and sour the pallet of people who might otherwise enjoy my rambling.  We wouldn't want that, now would we?  ha ha!

I can't seem to resist.  I don't know that I'd be able to sleep tonight without putting this out there.  

In some ways, I shared with one friend, I feel like a true adult for the first time.  The person (character) in my head, who was inspired by my actual father, that made me feel small and unacceptable is quieter now.  But, since that character isn't really my father and never was - they're really a judgmental piece of myself that wants to put me down - I don't know if this feeling of "freedom" will last.  I feel free to write, empowered to give my time and effort to this endeavor, in a new way.  I don't feel held back by the fear of moral judgment.

In a related way, I feel more ownership over my own spirituality than I have before.  I think somewhere in the back of my head, subconsciously perhaps, I always gave a piece of my sense of responsibility for my own spiritual life to my father.  I don't even know if that makes sense.  I'll have to tweak this a bit in the morning when my brain is more fresh so that it does.

OK.  Maybe I can sleep now...