Focusing Mechanism

My focusing mechanism needs to be calibrated, or my forward thrust engines.

After working to bring my brain out of the future and center it squarely in the present, I've succumbed to the temptation to be stuck in fear that the present moment will never pass...I suppose it's another way of being stuck in the future.  There is a balance that must be struck between presence in the here and now and focus on the future.  I've struggled with "forest for the trees complex" enough to know it's not helpful to hyper focus on the here and now either, at least not in my opinion.

I've been searching for the state of mind that used to be readily within my grasp wherein I gave myself wholly to the real life, passing essentially unharmed through this old system.  Recently, this old world has had tar-pit-like strength and stickiness, distracting and sucking the life out of me.  My own sense of shame and guilt complicate the matter.  So, I submerge myself in reading, study and prayer.  Yet, my old friend, that flowing, beautiful focus on the real life, is not forthcoming.

Today, I rediscovered my focus in the awe inspiring gift from the faithful slave: the DVD The Wonders of Creation Reveal God's Glory.  It transported me back to my safe haven of sheltering faith and reliance on our Creator.

For this I am grateful.

Intangible Future

When you exist in the future, you can accomplish nothing in the present.  I am experiencing that acutely today; well, in fact, this whole week.  Hours roll on by, days even.  The time dissipates into nothingness as my brain holds tightly to a time that, as of yet, does not exist.  I need a tool to help me unplug from the future so that I may consciously reside in the present.  Tuesday will come and go whether I am invisibly attached to it or not.  These days I spend like a statue will never return to me once Tuesday has come and gone.

so I use this podium as my tool.  I will find a way to exist in this moment and I will enjoy it.

A Heaving Mass

There is a heaving mass inside
That gnaws and soothes and writhes

I feel it swell and peak and hide
Then grow again it tries

It is so jumbled, yet so clear
I never better felt

And so the circumstances here
Are heating me to smelt

Let impurities rise forth
and skim them from my soul

Let this all lead to joyous mirth
Pray not create a bigger hole

For Myself

This post is just for the purpose of helping me get my thoughts in order.  Sometimes, for some reason, knowing that I'm talking while someone else is "listening," or reading in this case, makes it easier to work things out mentally. 

Things I need to get done before I go:

1) Write a list of things for David about Diesel's school routine.
2) Write a list of things to pack for the trip.
3) Finish laundry before I go so I have clothes to pack and I don't come back to a mountain.
4) Arrange for people to take Diesel to meeting.
5) Pack
6) Prepare mentally and emotionally for trip as best I can by getting some time to myself before I go.
7) Create a budget for the trip.
8) Arrange to get Laura's co-sleeper back to her, if possible, before I go.
9) Register Diesel for his summer activity program.

All right, I can always come back and edit if I think of something else.

So, now let's get going...

The Darkest Nights

It's amazing how the darkest nights bring the brightest mornings.

I spent the evening awakened by baby, kept awake by my husband's acidity (which causes him to have restless legs syndrome) and pangs of distress over needing to communicate my own thoughts and feelings after having relinquished them to the thoughts and feelings of others.  I was sure that, after such a fitful night, I would be dragging and intensely tired today.  But no.  Apparently the baggage I sorted through mentally last night was more beneficial and invigorating than actual sleep.  Today I am alert, confident, centered.  Of course, the real test will be when/if conflict arises.  I believe I'll stand up to the test.

Today I hope to accomplish two things related to last night and a third, even more important to the well-being of my psyche:

1) Buy my tickets to California.
2) Reserve Diesel's spot in a summer program.
3) And perhaps I'll complete this one first, study for Tuesday night.

I mustn't discount all that has ALREADY been accomplished this morning, either.  Today is shaping up to be quite wonderful.

I hope anyone who reads this is having a good day as well.  Please let me know if you are.  Connecting with people and their problems or triumphs helps me to get out of my own head and makes the world that much better and easier to navigate.  Do you agree?

Neverending Newness

Every day is an island unto itself and yet is part of a whole.

I wake up every morning and, by the end of the day, something new has occurred to me.  Life is a surreal journey in my consciousness.  I'm sure that some things that occur to me anew are old things I've pondered before.  However, the circumstances are different, making old things new, too.  Today feels like a fresh page mixed with garbled frustration, anticipation for what's to come and a tired back and neck muscles.

On the whole, each droplet of newness mixes with all that was before it to create a solution that is who I am today...only a piece of who I'll be tomorrow.

What will tomorrow be like?  The braid lengthens, the bucket fills, onward, upward, outward.

So Refreshing

I've had a few excerpts of the rough draft/first draft of my novel critiqued by multiple critique-rs who are knowledgeable about what is acceptable and what is not.  Every point that was made made perfect sense and felt very natural.  Nothing hurt my feelings.  Nothing made me feel ignorant or discouraged.  And, all three "professionals" who critiqued one piece in particular had the same thing to say about one part, which gives me so much confidence in its validity.  Also, the tips and recommendations were all easily replicable for any other part of the book that I'm writing.  It's like, in one piece of work, my whole body of work is put on track (if that makes any sense).  It's invigorating and refreshing.  Thank you so much!

Interval Training

I push my little girl in the stroller on our way to the park.  My son gets distracted with every few steps and I continually look behind me and call for him to catch up.  Sometimes I have to stop and wait.  Then, I'm calling him to slow down as I run to catch up.  And back and forth we go.  As I groan to myself about it and wonder when the irritation will ever end, I'm suddenly reminded of a couple articles I read recently about interval training.

Interval training involves pushing yourself as hard as you can for a short period of time followed by another short period of time "taking a break" by reducing the effort you put forth.  It's supposed to make work outs more effective.  Some sources say that doing intervals for 20 minutes is more effective than keeping a steady pace for an hour.  Most talk about it alludes to the fact that, in times past, humans had to hunt for their food which lent itself to bursts of energy followed by quietly and patiently waiting for another opportunity. 

Today, I have found a reason to be happy about my son's lack of focus.  I found something that I can gain from the natural design in children.  A child at natural play knows how to work out effectively and healthfully and, as I'm dragged along, I benefit too.  Hey, anything that works, right?

Now if I could just get him to read body language better.

Nostalgia

The smell of the fresh, green grass wafts past my face carried by the cool breeze.  My skin is touched by the soft warmth of the sun mixed with lacy shadows from the tree branches above my head.  Beyond the branches is a crystal blue sky with wispy clouds floating, drifting silently.  My little girl sits next to me in the grass discovering its crunchiness for the first time.  My son stares wildly at the teenagers as they practice on their skateboards and bikes.  He runs to tell a lone boy, "Those are some cool tricks!" then runs back to me proud of his interaction.

The swings and climbing things to my back, the skate park ahead, the parking lot to the side and forest all around.  Childhood memories of playing catch blend with hopes for the future of my children.

This is a good day.

The Beauty Within

Sorting through the library sized content of emotional baggage in my soul, I land today on the topic of a loved one's suffering.  I was just updated on the current condition of someone very dear and spent the better part of the night unable to escape what it must be like inside his mind and body right now.  My heart bursts with the mental anguish imbued in the words he has used to describe himself in this state.  "I am a monster!" he cries.

This is a man whose life has been focused and successful.  He's been able to complete a seemingly unending number of tasks competently and quickly.  He has been able to empathize with others, to inspire them, to cause a love for Jehovah to swell within their hearts.  He's been able to take spiritual topics and connect them with simple yet memorable ideas that help plant them deeply in the hearts of his children and others.  His courage and ability to endure his excruciating, crippling pain and increasingly dis-functioning body, while becoming almost entirely dependent on others, is inspiring to many, including myself.  I only hope I can be there for him in any small way.  All I can do is sit with him quietly, exuding love and providing company to stave off the loneliness.  So, that is what I shall do.

If anyone out there knows of any amazing prices on airline tickets from Buffalo or Toronto to LA, please let me know...

Random Thoughts

Apparently I have no useful information to share today.  There are two posts I'm in the midst of composing, but they're not coming along as quickly as I would like.  On a positive note, having started this practice of composing something each day has proved beneficial, in oh so many ways!  In addition to improving how I feel in general, having an outlet for expression and mental exercise, it has motivated me to get my novel flowing again.  Having gone almost two years without writing anything gave my sub conscious time to digest my thoughts and ideas and now when I sit down to write, it just comes!  It's quite wonderful.  There's so much more I want to say right now, but children, dinner and a messy home are calling me!  Till next time...

Where Does the Time GO?

You're awakened to the sound of a plaintive cry.  You get up to find that one of your children is sick and can't sleep.  As you sit consoling your precious treasure in the darkness of what you think is still nighttime, you hear rustling from the other room.  Your other children are waking up too.  That's when you notice the time.  It's 6am!  No!  It's too late to go back to bed.  You've lost that last hour of sleep you so desperately needed.  The kids are up and there's no looking back.  Time to start the day, however slow.

Off to the kitchen you go.  It takes a lot of effort and some strong coffee, but the kids eventually get fed and so do you.  As least you got an early start.  Maybe you can get some extra stuff done today with that "extra" hour.  You check the clock again.  9:30?!?  Where did the time go?  Now you're behind your projected schedule for the day.

You're feeling rushed and anxious.  You try to make up for it by skipping that shower you wanted ever so badly.  Now where's that shopping list?  And where are the children?  Rounding everything up turns into a cataclysmic event.  By the time everyone's packed in the car and the shopping list is rewritten, it's lunch time and every one is cranky.

All of a sudden it's time to start dinner and you don't have what you need.  You'll have to make due.  Didn't you go to the store today?  Oh well.  Boxed noodles it is. 

Once the last child has finally drifted to sleep, you sit down to recollect your wits.  After an unknown amount of time you realize that's a lost cause and you look at the clock.  10:30?  Where did the day go?  Did I accomplish ANYTHING?

 I'm inspired by the hard working mamas who give their all to the offspring they so love.  You're a blessing to your families and a tribute to humanity.  A little well-deserved self-care is just the ticket.  But where do you get these magical tickets?

Sometimes it seems like an impossibility to get the time for yourself that you need.  And, I suppose, sometimes it is.  But here are a few ideas that might just be the treasure map to your successfully making time for yourself so you can jump back into action and start all over again.

• Tell yourself you need and deserve the time, and believe it!
• Get things ready the night before for the next day to make the morning routine more smooth... and completely doable on auto pilot!  You might just find the clock will surprise you still, but in a good way!
• Plan engaging activities ahead of time to avoid endless requests for something to do.  Get the kids involved in the plan and talk up the activities to get them enthusiastic when the time comes.  Sometimes just hearing fewer whines makes a huge difference in energy levels!
• Have snacks ready and offer them to the kids at regular times to avoid blood sugar crashes and nagging requests for something to eat.
• Connect with fellow mothers who need time and arrange a day to trade off helping each other with the children and having a day, or even just an afternoon, to yourself!

These are just a few small suggestions.  I'm sure there are tons more!  Feel free to share your ideas in the comments.

I also highly recommend two books called Sink Reflections and Saving Dinner and a group called FLYlady (authored and run by the same people).  FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself and Marla Cilley has an amazing amount of simple tips and tricks for getting you out of the "fog" and into a smooth-running routine.  She and her team are also very inspiring and supportive. 



Just so you know, if anyone decides any of the books I recommend are worth buying and ends up buying them by clicking through the links in my blogs, I actually get a percentage of the sale!  So much fun, just for recommending books I like!

Good Morning!

Coffee, coffee, coffee! I'm in that bubble of goodness associated with drinking two cups of coffee after having only eaten a cup of yogurt for breakfast. I know it's short-lived, but for this brief moment I'm tangibly blissful! So, I thought, in the interest of keeping myself in the habit of updating this page regularly, I will let you know my plans for the day.

Little mommy that I am, I've made a "play date" for my son with a friend at a local IKEA. Can't wait!

How to Always Get What You Want

How can you always get what you want? It's simple really. It takes a little modesty (knowing your limits), humility, optimism and a shift in focus.

First, identify your want. Be specific. For example, perhaps you want your mother-in-law to respect your decisions; specifically your decision to stay at home with your children instead of returning to work. This is just an example.

Second, imagine the moment you find yourself face to face with your mother-in-law when she finds out about your decision. You may know from previous conversations with her that she has strong opinions about your family's income. You may start conjuring up reasons, justifications or rebuffs that you hope will get your mother-in-law to see your wisdom and conviction.

STOP!

Here's your chance to make this interaction different than others in the past. It may feel as unnatural as leaning downhill while skiing, but it's just as crucial. That is, recognize your own limitations. Realize you cannot predict or control the reaction your mother-in-law, or anyone else, will have in this, or any other, situation. So, you cannot expect an outcome from the other person's perspective. What you can control are your intentions.

So, the third step is shift from being expectation-oriented to being intention-oriented. Continuing with our example, take some time to make your own intentions known and clear to yourself before a potentially uncomfortable conversations comes up.

Instead of expecting your mother-in-law to respect your decisions, intend to present a respectable explanation of your decision. Intend to remain calm and intend to let anything that is said roll off your back. This way, no matter what the reaction is, you have successfully accomplished your goal!

After you've had some practice shifting your focus, you can go a step further. It may sound old-fashioned, but humility can help you really hear what another person is saying regardless of a harsh exterior. There may be some valuable information in there after all, or maybe there isn't. Either way, humility is a powerful tool to have at your disposal when your goal is getting what you want. You need not be confined by my example. The concept of shifting from expectations to intentions can be applied to almost any situation.

Finally, stay optimistic. Getting what you want takes some discipline and practice. And it's a great deal easier than trying to control situations that are beyond your ability to change.

If this is an interesting idea and you'd like to dig deeper into it and other useful ways to live your life fully, I highly recommend a book called Fearless Living by Rhonda Britten.

Entering the World of Type

It occurs to me that, in my endeavor to make my talent work for me, I must actually work! After two years of taking in information on the subject of writing a novel, getting started and then becoming incredibly sidetracked, I've come full circle from the need to write freelance to the need to write freelance. So, here is my humble attempt to make myself known in that way that is required of those interested in making money from the craft of authorship. May the force be with me!