It's Not the Only Thing on my Mind - I Promise

As I began to type this up for public consumption, I realized this seems to be the topic I've written about most.  I hope not to seem redundant.  I do have other thoughts and feelings about other subjects.  It occurs to me, however, that none are as complete or beautiful as these, for now.  So, I will type this up before a bout of self-doubt sneaks up on me and I hold back.

The fact that my dad is gone is becoming more real and, somehow, less devastating.  It is still sad, but it's more of a muted sadness.  His dear widow sent me a box full of some of his clothes, some pictures of us together and a small trinket gift I once game him.  Looking through the things and recognizing them reminds me of being a child in those first layers of sleep when you're still consciously aware of some noises and movement.  I hear some milling about and soft laughter.  Adults converse around me, maybe at a gathering.  The sounds are distant even though I have the sense that I'm still in the same room with them.  I'm separated from them and yet still a part of everything.  It's comforting.

This kind of experience in the realm of reality was one of my favorite kinds of experiences.  I used to nap while at the homes of friends and, occasionally, when I had company over myself.  Fortunately, my company seemed to understand.

There is some longing to be a part of the happy conversation and activities, but the blissful tiredness is overtaking me, and I instead fall deeper into sleep.  I suppose, at some point, there is a choice to be made.  Will I wake myself up to the clarity of the memories and pain so that I may more fully experience them and keep them alive and fresh, or will I let myself fall asleep and move on?  I still have some time to decide.  But, for the moment, all is more sweet than bitter.

It amazes me how closed the door was to my own experience of this before everything happened.  It's amazing what empathy I was closed off from for other people without having experienced this piece of imperfect life for myself.  The door to connection with so many more people is opened to me now.  For that, I am grateful.

What's the Use in Being Good at Anything? I Mean, Really Good.

Something occurred to me the other day.  I was pondering my recent brush with art at the symphony.  We had a girl's night out.  It was cathartic, uplifting, and it brought back memories of a time when I had more time to devote to art and culture.  In order to be really good at something, in addition to having some natural talent, there is a need to immerse yourself in said thing.  Yet, this whole world is constructed in such a way that, if we are to do that, we must neglect all else.  Perhaps not entirely, but to enough of an extent for the neglect to be felt by, in most cases, THOSE whom we are neglecting for the pursuit of art.  Art is anesthetic for me.  It is powerful, mind-expanding, pleasurable.  The creation of art is like a powerful drug.  The consumption of art is on par with its creation. 

Unfortunately, I'm going to have to interrupt my thought.  There are too many things pulling at me.  So my thoughts are diluted.  I will hopefully revisit this post and finish it.

Missing My Brain

I sorely miss my brain.  Such a good friend it was.  We used to spend time together, reliving old memories, creating distant worlds...My brain found me to be insightful, funny, interesting, delightful company.  The feeling was mutual.  We were pen pals.  Yes, we'd write each other letters, in a beautiful leather-bound book with gold edging on the pages, immortalizing our time together.  It seems my time with my brain is almost as rare as my time with other good friends.  You know what?  It feels more rare.  How is that even possible?  Constant distractions, piercing cries of hunger or discomfort, arguments or play break the air at regular intervals, shattering the time I hold so dear - day and night. 

They say I will miss these times.  I'm sure I will.  But I think I miss my brain more. 

Wow, It's Been a While

Well, my brain kept me awake thinking about this composition.  So hopefully, despite the fact that it's almost 2am, I can do this thing some justice.

I've had moments of clarity, blips of inspiration, bouts of anger and sadness.  Today I was particularly cranky.  I went to the store and noticed some bottled smoothies and functional fruit juices which reminded me of going to the convention with my dad that last time.  Initially, I was attracted to them.  Then, as I tried to sort through the selection, I started becoming overcome with sadness.  Hopefully I'll be able to enjoy them again.

I've avoided writing some of the things I'm processing through because hind sight is better and I'm hoping to sort through all that's before me and understand it better before I share it.  I'm afraid of corroding the dignity of myself or my father and then looking back and regretting having had no self control.  I want to share and I'm also afraid that not everyone will understand that my process is just that...a process...moment by moment, day by day, ever-evolving, non committal dirges and purging.  What exists in one moment doesn't necessarily define the next.

I suppose I'll just have to compose some things privately and decide later whether or not to publicize them.  If it were just about me, I would throw caution to the wind.  But it's not just about me.  

Other fears holding me back are that I might concentrate too heavily on this one subject and sour the pallet of people who might otherwise enjoy my rambling.  We wouldn't want that, now would we?  ha ha!

I can't seem to resist.  I don't know that I'd be able to sleep tonight without putting this out there.  

In some ways, I shared with one friend, I feel like a true adult for the first time.  The person (character) in my head, who was inspired by my actual father, that made me feel small and unacceptable is quieter now.  But, since that character isn't really my father and never was - they're really a judgmental piece of myself that wants to put me down - I don't know if this feeling of "freedom" will last.  I feel free to write, empowered to give my time and effort to this endeavor, in a new way.  I don't feel held back by the fear of moral judgment.

In a related way, I feel more ownership over my own spirituality than I have before.  I think somewhere in the back of my head, subconsciously perhaps, I always gave a piece of my sense of responsibility for my own spiritual life to my father.  I don't even know if that makes sense.  I'll have to tweak this a bit in the morning when my brain is more fresh so that it does.

OK.  Maybe I can sleep now...

I Think Ear Plugs are a Gift from God

I have a need to disconnect, to unplug, so to speak.
'Cause, sometimes, children's voices shriek louder, and then peak.
And when that happens on top of ev'rything else around,
That need expands triple fold...I need not expound.
Those little orange spongy things, that I stick in my ears
Bring relief 'cause running out is just not an option, I fear.
So, thank you God for my little ear plugs.  It's no joke.
And I suggest you try it too!  Lighten up that yoke!

The Sparkling Gemstone of My Life

I sit and ponder life in the comfort of a familiar place, with sleeping child at my side and the sounds of the outside gently bouncing off the walls of my tranquil chamber.  It is without question the first time the word tranquility has crossed my mind in many weeks, if not months.  My heart is quiet within my chest, back to its whispering hum, a comfortable volume of emotion.  As my thoughts drift softly about, flitting from subject to subject like a tiny insect on a spring day among the flowers of the field, I am reminded of my many special friendships.  Each one is unique and vibrant in it's own way.  Varying circumstances cast the light of perspective from different angles making one shine while others appear dull.  One's emotional needs for different kinds of support remain essentially the same from day to day, but in different amounts.  It seems my biggest need at the moment is that of validation.  I feel that I am surrounded by faces shining validation at me from all around.  The light warms my body, glistening like the serene reflection of sunlight off the surface of a pool of water.  I love and am loved.  I like and am liked.  I am.  And it is good.  Even the sadness is good.  It is good because it celebrates the life of someone good.  I cherish.  I breathe.  Life...what a gift.

I allow myself my anger without judgment.

Project Make it to Dad's Memorial

I realize there are far harder situations out there and money is tight for everyone.  So please do not feel the least bit obligated.  However, I've had people offer help and support.  Now I know what I actually need.  I want more than anything to be able to have my whole family present at my dad's memorial.  If you can spare $5 toward our family's plane tickets, I've set up this paypal donation account for that purpose.  I have an amount in mind for the tickets.  If we reach it, I will take down the button.

Thank you all for your love and support regardless of whether you help out with funds.  We'll get there one way or another and it will be worth it no matter what.

Sincerely,

Christina Kelly

For those of you reading this on facebook, you can access the donation button by clicking on the "View Original Post" link above the comments.

Thank you thank you thank you!

Who You Are

It's uncertain whether he will ever be conscious enough again in this system to take in what I've written for him, but this is for my dad:

I am so proud that you're my dad
And that I've always been

You lend an ear, you lend a heart
Strong empathy within

Your talents do proliferate
Artful hands and mouth have you

But I love you for who you are
And not what you can do

Jehovah is my Rock you said
And this you've taught me well

They're words worth more than thousands more
Than all that you could sell

Among my fav'rite memories
Of spending time with you

Are times of quiet reverie
With Jah's good gifts in view

Be they gifts of spectacle
Or gifts of words or men

To contemplate His majesty
Returns peace to my heart again

I enjoy hearing you speak
Of that within your heart

It matters not if those words
Are sweet or if they're tart

For who you are is what I love
It's who you'll always be

And who that is will certainly
Spend eternity with me

Where is the Pain?

It may sound like an odd question.  After all, who in their right mind seeks pain?  Maybe that's true, but, whatever it says about me, I honestly do.  Pain makes things clear to me.  I get claustrophobic when things look murky.  Now, before my phone starts ringing off the hook because people think I'm talking about hurting myself, let me make myself clear.  I am not talking about physical pain or physical damage at all.  That I avoid like the plague.  Those of you who know me very well know I rarely speak of the physical anyway.

So what pain do I seek?  I seek the pain involved with trying circumstances, the "normal" human reaction to said circumstances.  My usual reaction is to shut down, crumble and, well...blubber.  Then there's the always interesting feeling of numbness, which makes me aware of the pain beneath it.

There are a couple possible explanations for this lack of seemingly appropriate pain.  I've considered that my faith could be assuring me that the eventual future is bright and that anything that happens in this life is reversible.  However, I'm unaware of that being the case right now.  Normally I would instinctively and consciously know that that was the case.  No, the more likely reason probably has something to do with distraction.  There are so many elements to my life, shadows, nuances of emotional connection, literal hormone changes fluctuating.  I've been chucking it up to that for many, many months.  I don't usually last this long without an all out meltdown.

I can't access my meltdown.  I'm starting to wonder if it even resides in me waiting to be experienced.  Have I evolved to a point where that is no longer my go-to coping mechanism?  Wouldn't that be interesting to explore...

Focusing Mechanism

My focusing mechanism needs to be calibrated, or my forward thrust engines.

After working to bring my brain out of the future and center it squarely in the present, I've succumbed to the temptation to be stuck in fear that the present moment will never pass...I suppose it's another way of being stuck in the future.  There is a balance that must be struck between presence in the here and now and focus on the future.  I've struggled with "forest for the trees complex" enough to know it's not helpful to hyper focus on the here and now either, at least not in my opinion.

I've been searching for the state of mind that used to be readily within my grasp wherein I gave myself wholly to the real life, passing essentially unharmed through this old system.  Recently, this old world has had tar-pit-like strength and stickiness, distracting and sucking the life out of me.  My own sense of shame and guilt complicate the matter.  So, I submerge myself in reading, study and prayer.  Yet, my old friend, that flowing, beautiful focus on the real life, is not forthcoming.

Today, I rediscovered my focus in the awe inspiring gift from the faithful slave: the DVD The Wonders of Creation Reveal God's Glory.  It transported me back to my safe haven of sheltering faith and reliance on our Creator.

For this I am grateful.

Intangible Future

When you exist in the future, you can accomplish nothing in the present.  I am experiencing that acutely today; well, in fact, this whole week.  Hours roll on by, days even.  The time dissipates into nothingness as my brain holds tightly to a time that, as of yet, does not exist.  I need a tool to help me unplug from the future so that I may consciously reside in the present.  Tuesday will come and go whether I am invisibly attached to it or not.  These days I spend like a statue will never return to me once Tuesday has come and gone.

so I use this podium as my tool.  I will find a way to exist in this moment and I will enjoy it.

A Heaving Mass

There is a heaving mass inside
That gnaws and soothes and writhes

I feel it swell and peak and hide
Then grow again it tries

It is so jumbled, yet so clear
I never better felt

And so the circumstances here
Are heating me to smelt

Let impurities rise forth
and skim them from my soul

Let this all lead to joyous mirth
Pray not create a bigger hole

For Myself

This post is just for the purpose of helping me get my thoughts in order.  Sometimes, for some reason, knowing that I'm talking while someone else is "listening," or reading in this case, makes it easier to work things out mentally. 

Things I need to get done before I go:

1) Write a list of things for David about Diesel's school routine.
2) Write a list of things to pack for the trip.
3) Finish laundry before I go so I have clothes to pack and I don't come back to a mountain.
4) Arrange for people to take Diesel to meeting.
5) Pack
6) Prepare mentally and emotionally for trip as best I can by getting some time to myself before I go.
7) Create a budget for the trip.
8) Arrange to get Laura's co-sleeper back to her, if possible, before I go.
9) Register Diesel for his summer activity program.

All right, I can always come back and edit if I think of something else.

So, now let's get going...

The Darkest Nights

It's amazing how the darkest nights bring the brightest mornings.

I spent the evening awakened by baby, kept awake by my husband's acidity (which causes him to have restless legs syndrome) and pangs of distress over needing to communicate my own thoughts and feelings after having relinquished them to the thoughts and feelings of others.  I was sure that, after such a fitful night, I would be dragging and intensely tired today.  But no.  Apparently the baggage I sorted through mentally last night was more beneficial and invigorating than actual sleep.  Today I am alert, confident, centered.  Of course, the real test will be when/if conflict arises.  I believe I'll stand up to the test.

Today I hope to accomplish two things related to last night and a third, even more important to the well-being of my psyche:

1) Buy my tickets to California.
2) Reserve Diesel's spot in a summer program.
3) And perhaps I'll complete this one first, study for Tuesday night.

I mustn't discount all that has ALREADY been accomplished this morning, either.  Today is shaping up to be quite wonderful.

I hope anyone who reads this is having a good day as well.  Please let me know if you are.  Connecting with people and their problems or triumphs helps me to get out of my own head and makes the world that much better and easier to navigate.  Do you agree?

Neverending Newness

Every day is an island unto itself and yet is part of a whole.

I wake up every morning and, by the end of the day, something new has occurred to me.  Life is a surreal journey in my consciousness.  I'm sure that some things that occur to me anew are old things I've pondered before.  However, the circumstances are different, making old things new, too.  Today feels like a fresh page mixed with garbled frustration, anticipation for what's to come and a tired back and neck muscles.

On the whole, each droplet of newness mixes with all that was before it to create a solution that is who I am today...only a piece of who I'll be tomorrow.

What will tomorrow be like?  The braid lengthens, the bucket fills, onward, upward, outward.

So Refreshing

I've had a few excerpts of the rough draft/first draft of my novel critiqued by multiple critique-rs who are knowledgeable about what is acceptable and what is not.  Every point that was made made perfect sense and felt very natural.  Nothing hurt my feelings.  Nothing made me feel ignorant or discouraged.  And, all three "professionals" who critiqued one piece in particular had the same thing to say about one part, which gives me so much confidence in its validity.  Also, the tips and recommendations were all easily replicable for any other part of the book that I'm writing.  It's like, in one piece of work, my whole body of work is put on track (if that makes any sense).  It's invigorating and refreshing.  Thank you so much!

Interval Training

I push my little girl in the stroller on our way to the park.  My son gets distracted with every few steps and I continually look behind me and call for him to catch up.  Sometimes I have to stop and wait.  Then, I'm calling him to slow down as I run to catch up.  And back and forth we go.  As I groan to myself about it and wonder when the irritation will ever end, I'm suddenly reminded of a couple articles I read recently about interval training.

Interval training involves pushing yourself as hard as you can for a short period of time followed by another short period of time "taking a break" by reducing the effort you put forth.  It's supposed to make work outs more effective.  Some sources say that doing intervals for 20 minutes is more effective than keeping a steady pace for an hour.  Most talk about it alludes to the fact that, in times past, humans had to hunt for their food which lent itself to bursts of energy followed by quietly and patiently waiting for another opportunity. 

Today, I have found a reason to be happy about my son's lack of focus.  I found something that I can gain from the natural design in children.  A child at natural play knows how to work out effectively and healthfully and, as I'm dragged along, I benefit too.  Hey, anything that works, right?

Now if I could just get him to read body language better.

Nostalgia

The smell of the fresh, green grass wafts past my face carried by the cool breeze.  My skin is touched by the soft warmth of the sun mixed with lacy shadows from the tree branches above my head.  Beyond the branches is a crystal blue sky with wispy clouds floating, drifting silently.  My little girl sits next to me in the grass discovering its crunchiness for the first time.  My son stares wildly at the teenagers as they practice on their skateboards and bikes.  He runs to tell a lone boy, "Those are some cool tricks!" then runs back to me proud of his interaction.

The swings and climbing things to my back, the skate park ahead, the parking lot to the side and forest all around.  Childhood memories of playing catch blend with hopes for the future of my children.

This is a good day.

The Beauty Within

Sorting through the library sized content of emotional baggage in my soul, I land today on the topic of a loved one's suffering.  I was just updated on the current condition of someone very dear and spent the better part of the night unable to escape what it must be like inside his mind and body right now.  My heart bursts with the mental anguish imbued in the words he has used to describe himself in this state.  "I am a monster!" he cries.

This is a man whose life has been focused and successful.  He's been able to complete a seemingly unending number of tasks competently and quickly.  He has been able to empathize with others, to inspire them, to cause a love for Jehovah to swell within their hearts.  He's been able to take spiritual topics and connect them with simple yet memorable ideas that help plant them deeply in the hearts of his children and others.  His courage and ability to endure his excruciating, crippling pain and increasingly dis-functioning body, while becoming almost entirely dependent on others, is inspiring to many, including myself.  I only hope I can be there for him in any small way.  All I can do is sit with him quietly, exuding love and providing company to stave off the loneliness.  So, that is what I shall do.

If anyone out there knows of any amazing prices on airline tickets from Buffalo or Toronto to LA, please let me know...

Random Thoughts

Apparently I have no useful information to share today.  There are two posts I'm in the midst of composing, but they're not coming along as quickly as I would like.  On a positive note, having started this practice of composing something each day has proved beneficial, in oh so many ways!  In addition to improving how I feel in general, having an outlet for expression and mental exercise, it has motivated me to get my novel flowing again.  Having gone almost two years without writing anything gave my sub conscious time to digest my thoughts and ideas and now when I sit down to write, it just comes!  It's quite wonderful.  There's so much more I want to say right now, but children, dinner and a messy home are calling me!  Till next time...

Where Does the Time GO?

You're awakened to the sound of a plaintive cry.  You get up to find that one of your children is sick and can't sleep.  As you sit consoling your precious treasure in the darkness of what you think is still nighttime, you hear rustling from the other room.  Your other children are waking up too.  That's when you notice the time.  It's 6am!  No!  It's too late to go back to bed.  You've lost that last hour of sleep you so desperately needed.  The kids are up and there's no looking back.  Time to start the day, however slow.

Off to the kitchen you go.  It takes a lot of effort and some strong coffee, but the kids eventually get fed and so do you.  As least you got an early start.  Maybe you can get some extra stuff done today with that "extra" hour.  You check the clock again.  9:30?!?  Where did the time go?  Now you're behind your projected schedule for the day.

You're feeling rushed and anxious.  You try to make up for it by skipping that shower you wanted ever so badly.  Now where's that shopping list?  And where are the children?  Rounding everything up turns into a cataclysmic event.  By the time everyone's packed in the car and the shopping list is rewritten, it's lunch time and every one is cranky.

All of a sudden it's time to start dinner and you don't have what you need.  You'll have to make due.  Didn't you go to the store today?  Oh well.  Boxed noodles it is. 

Once the last child has finally drifted to sleep, you sit down to recollect your wits.  After an unknown amount of time you realize that's a lost cause and you look at the clock.  10:30?  Where did the day go?  Did I accomplish ANYTHING?

 I'm inspired by the hard working mamas who give their all to the offspring they so love.  You're a blessing to your families and a tribute to humanity.  A little well-deserved self-care is just the ticket.  But where do you get these magical tickets?

Sometimes it seems like an impossibility to get the time for yourself that you need.  And, I suppose, sometimes it is.  But here are a few ideas that might just be the treasure map to your successfully making time for yourself so you can jump back into action and start all over again.

• Tell yourself you need and deserve the time, and believe it!
• Get things ready the night before for the next day to make the morning routine more smooth... and completely doable on auto pilot!  You might just find the clock will surprise you still, but in a good way!
• Plan engaging activities ahead of time to avoid endless requests for something to do.  Get the kids involved in the plan and talk up the activities to get them enthusiastic when the time comes.  Sometimes just hearing fewer whines makes a huge difference in energy levels!
• Have snacks ready and offer them to the kids at regular times to avoid blood sugar crashes and nagging requests for something to eat.
• Connect with fellow mothers who need time and arrange a day to trade off helping each other with the children and having a day, or even just an afternoon, to yourself!

These are just a few small suggestions.  I'm sure there are tons more!  Feel free to share your ideas in the comments.

I also highly recommend two books called Sink Reflections and Saving Dinner and a group called FLYlady (authored and run by the same people).  FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself and Marla Cilley has an amazing amount of simple tips and tricks for getting you out of the "fog" and into a smooth-running routine.  She and her team are also very inspiring and supportive. 



Just so you know, if anyone decides any of the books I recommend are worth buying and ends up buying them by clicking through the links in my blogs, I actually get a percentage of the sale!  So much fun, just for recommending books I like!

Good Morning!

Coffee, coffee, coffee! I'm in that bubble of goodness associated with drinking two cups of coffee after having only eaten a cup of yogurt for breakfast. I know it's short-lived, but for this brief moment I'm tangibly blissful! So, I thought, in the interest of keeping myself in the habit of updating this page regularly, I will let you know my plans for the day.

Little mommy that I am, I've made a "play date" for my son with a friend at a local IKEA. Can't wait!

How to Always Get What You Want

How can you always get what you want? It's simple really. It takes a little modesty (knowing your limits), humility, optimism and a shift in focus.

First, identify your want. Be specific. For example, perhaps you want your mother-in-law to respect your decisions; specifically your decision to stay at home with your children instead of returning to work. This is just an example.

Second, imagine the moment you find yourself face to face with your mother-in-law when she finds out about your decision. You may know from previous conversations with her that she has strong opinions about your family's income. You may start conjuring up reasons, justifications or rebuffs that you hope will get your mother-in-law to see your wisdom and conviction.

STOP!

Here's your chance to make this interaction different than others in the past. It may feel as unnatural as leaning downhill while skiing, but it's just as crucial. That is, recognize your own limitations. Realize you cannot predict or control the reaction your mother-in-law, or anyone else, will have in this, or any other, situation. So, you cannot expect an outcome from the other person's perspective. What you can control are your intentions.

So, the third step is shift from being expectation-oriented to being intention-oriented. Continuing with our example, take some time to make your own intentions known and clear to yourself before a potentially uncomfortable conversations comes up.

Instead of expecting your mother-in-law to respect your decisions, intend to present a respectable explanation of your decision. Intend to remain calm and intend to let anything that is said roll off your back. This way, no matter what the reaction is, you have successfully accomplished your goal!

After you've had some practice shifting your focus, you can go a step further. It may sound old-fashioned, but humility can help you really hear what another person is saying regardless of a harsh exterior. There may be some valuable information in there after all, or maybe there isn't. Either way, humility is a powerful tool to have at your disposal when your goal is getting what you want. You need not be confined by my example. The concept of shifting from expectations to intentions can be applied to almost any situation.

Finally, stay optimistic. Getting what you want takes some discipline and practice. And it's a great deal easier than trying to control situations that are beyond your ability to change.

If this is an interesting idea and you'd like to dig deeper into it and other useful ways to live your life fully, I highly recommend a book called Fearless Living by Rhonda Britten.

Entering the World of Type

It occurs to me that, in my endeavor to make my talent work for me, I must actually work! After two years of taking in information on the subject of writing a novel, getting started and then becoming incredibly sidetracked, I've come full circle from the need to write freelance to the need to write freelance. So, here is my humble attempt to make myself known in that way that is required of those interested in making money from the craft of authorship. May the force be with me!