It's Not the Only Thing on my Mind - I Promise

As I began to type this up for public consumption, I realized this seems to be the topic I've written about most.  I hope not to seem redundant.  I do have other thoughts and feelings about other subjects.  It occurs to me, however, that none are as complete or beautiful as these, for now.  So, I will type this up before a bout of self-doubt sneaks up on me and I hold back.

The fact that my dad is gone is becoming more real and, somehow, less devastating.  It is still sad, but it's more of a muted sadness.  His dear widow sent me a box full of some of his clothes, some pictures of us together and a small trinket gift I once game him.  Looking through the things and recognizing them reminds me of being a child in those first layers of sleep when you're still consciously aware of some noises and movement.  I hear some milling about and soft laughter.  Adults converse around me, maybe at a gathering.  The sounds are distant even though I have the sense that I'm still in the same room with them.  I'm separated from them and yet still a part of everything.  It's comforting.

This kind of experience in the realm of reality was one of my favorite kinds of experiences.  I used to nap while at the homes of friends and, occasionally, when I had company over myself.  Fortunately, my company seemed to understand.

There is some longing to be a part of the happy conversation and activities, but the blissful tiredness is overtaking me, and I instead fall deeper into sleep.  I suppose, at some point, there is a choice to be made.  Will I wake myself up to the clarity of the memories and pain so that I may more fully experience them and keep them alive and fresh, or will I let myself fall asleep and move on?  I still have some time to decide.  But, for the moment, all is more sweet than bitter.

It amazes me how closed the door was to my own experience of this before everything happened.  It's amazing what empathy I was closed off from for other people without having experienced this piece of imperfect life for myself.  The door to connection with so many more people is opened to me now.  For that, I am grateful.