A to Z Blog Challenge - C is for Codependency

A to Z Blog Challenge C is for Codependence

 We've probably all heard this term. But how much does each of us really understand about the concept?

 When I first decided to do this A to Z challenge and I brainstormed briefly about what “C” word I should use as a topic, it was a toss up between Codependence, Consciousness and Communication. I decided that, since the topic of codependency involves communication and consciousness – or the lack thereof – I would kill two birds.

 Initially I was very enthusiastic and optimistic about this topic. I've personally done a lot of hard work on myself over the past two years and I had an idea in mind about how to approach the subject. Then I sat down with my copy of Codependent No More - How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. As I started scanning through the pages and reading over points I had highlighted my first time through the book, some old feelings began to surface; scary feelings of shame, and fear that I might backslide. I suddenly wanted to abandon the subject. Then I realized what a perfect opportunity this was to exercise some of my new found skills.

 When I first read the book, I recognized myself in it. The recommended exercises were more than I could manage at that time, however. And that's OK! We need to acknowledge where we're at before we can change anything. Looking back, I see that the points stuck with me on my journey over the past two years, even though I wasn't referencing the book or even thinking about it consciously. My unconscious mind was hard at work in my service.

 Just what is codependency? According to Melody Beattie, the definition is difficult to nail down because no two codependents are exactly alike. A list of characteristics that are often associated with codependency include caretaking, low self-worth, repression, obsession, controlling behaviors, denial, dependency, poor communication, weak boundaries, lack of trust, anger and sexual problems.

 There is a lot of good information out there. But the three things that I've learned that have helped me most include the concept of owning one's own feelings (which includes detaching from the emotional states of others), letting go of outcomes, and setting boundaries – all things that seemed impossible at first.

 I literally had no boundaries. None. I couldn't comprehend what it even meant to have boundaries. I would read definitions and they didn't sink in. They didn't make sense to me! I also made myself responsible for the emotional states of anyone and everyone. In return, I expected everyone else to be responsible for my emotional states. Because I didn't know what I actually thought about things, I didn't know why I felt certain feelings so strongly. So, I looked to my surroundings and placed blame on those around me, which made me feel guilty. Most of the time I just felt crazy, and there were plenty of people around to confirm that. It was a vicious cycle.

 I would read about the idea of detaching from the emotions of other people whom I loved. I could see the wisdom in it, but I couldn't figure out how to do it unresentfully. I couldn't feel both detached and loving at the same time. It was because I still hadn't figured out how to own my own feelings. I still wanted someone else to be responsible for me. And I also hadn't learned how to let go of outcomes. It felt unfair.

 What does it mean to own your own feelings? It means recognizing that any feeling or emotional reaction we have is about us and us alone. It is not about the other person. We are responsible for investigating the reason for the feelings, finding language to communicate those reasons and discovering what we need to do or ask for to resolve them.

 In return, other people are responsible for their emotional reactions to us – we are not responsible for them. This doesn't free us to be mean or unsympathetic. But it's crucial that we be authentic to ourselves, regardless of any possible “losses.” Tactful authenticity is vital to contentment. Contentment in solitude is vital to connection. It sounds like a contradiction, but I assure you it is not. If you are desperate and needful, you cannot be fully present. And if you cannot be fully present, you cannot genuinely connect.

 My journey continues, but I look back now on my progress thus far and I'm proud of myself. I am enough. And that is good.

 If you want to investigate this topic further, I highly recommend the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. I wish you all the best in your journey!