Where is the Pain?

It may sound like an odd question.  After all, who in their right mind seeks pain?  Maybe that's true, but, whatever it says about me, I honestly do.  Pain makes things clear to me.  I get claustrophobic when things look murky.  Now, before my phone starts ringing off the hook because people think I'm talking about hurting myself, let me make myself clear.  I am not talking about physical pain or physical damage at all.  That I avoid like the plague.  Those of you who know me very well know I rarely speak of the physical anyway.

So what pain do I seek?  I seek the pain involved with trying circumstances, the "normal" human reaction to said circumstances.  My usual reaction is to shut down, crumble and, well...blubber.  Then there's the always interesting feeling of numbness, which makes me aware of the pain beneath it.

There are a couple possible explanations for this lack of seemingly appropriate pain.  I've considered that my faith could be assuring me that the eventual future is bright and that anything that happens in this life is reversible.  However, I'm unaware of that being the case right now.  Normally I would instinctively and consciously know that that was the case.  No, the more likely reason probably has something to do with distraction.  There are so many elements to my life, shadows, nuances of emotional connection, literal hormone changes fluctuating.  I've been chucking it up to that for many, many months.  I don't usually last this long without an all out meltdown.

I can't access my meltdown.  I'm starting to wonder if it even resides in me waiting to be experienced.  Have I evolved to a point where that is no longer my go-to coping mechanism?  Wouldn't that be interesting to explore...